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REPUBLICANS

 

Donald Trump: Insane Clown Posse

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I generally possess a fair degree of optimism about the future of humanity, but then I see the unfettered growth of ICP fandom and Trump’s poll numbers, and remember that given absolute power and an unquestioning army I’d make Mao look like a compassionate humanitarian. Facebook statistics will come out soon showing a near 1:1 ratio of Trump support and Juggaloism, and no one will be surprised, and everyone will rightfully demand they all be rounded up and quarantined in the nation’s worst state. You know which one I’m talking about. Honorable mentions were Creed and Merzbow, the latter being completely unlistenable and the former being unintentionally completely unlistenable as well as socially irresponsible but neither being so personally offensive that I would support legislation against them.

 

Ben Carson: Captain Beefheartcarson

“Wait, what did he say? Jesus Christ, that’s insane, who thought it was okay to put this nutcase in front of a mic? Oh God, what’s he saying now? What? Pyramids?! Wait, is that a picture of him and black Jesus? Ohhhhhhh I get it now. Yeah, yeah! This is actually kinda brilliant. No, absolutely do not medicate him. It might kill whatever this is.”

 

Author’s Note: Ben Carson drinks mercury.

 

Rand Paul: Muse

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Forty years ago, the comparison would have been to the Doors because their fans honestly believed Jim was more important than the Beatles. But when you really think about their impact, you remember their fawning fan base more than you can recall any of the band’s songs because most of them actually kinda sucked. You might also compare him to the Grateful Dead because their legend was more important than their output­­, a lot like Rand, actually.

 

Ted Cruz: Morrissey

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Now, I know some of you are probably viscerally pissed off by this comparison, but think about it. Ted Cruz is maybe the single smuggest motherfucker on the planet. He makes Morrissey look like Francis of Assisi. Look at the shit-eating grin welded into his jaw. Listen to his inflections like he’s practiced his Miss America speech in the mirror a million times. I have been told that some people don’t think Ted Cruz sounds like a sociopath, but that dude has gone so long without uttering a sincere thought that if you were slice him in half, you would find a hollowed out husk coated in a rotten blackness, not unlike an avocado you let sit too long. In a way, that makes him Morrissey’s opposite, but insofar as they are elitist narcissists who can make mountains out of imaginary molehills, they are two peas in a pod.

Author’s Note: While I don’t condone violence against anyone, I don’t condone kindness towards Ted Cruz.

 

Carly Fiorina: Courtney Love

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I tried really hard to not use Courtney Love because her only good album was written by Kurt and I thought it would look bad to compare the only woman in the GOP field to a wretched woman who can’t even do what she’s famous for. But, frankly, Carly’s got blood on her hands for that whole Planned Parenthood thing and Hillary makes Carly look about as feminist as Strom Thurmond, so suck it, Carly.

 

Marco Rubio: Justin Bieber

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More often than not, he says something so stupid and infantile, or gets caught on camera looking like an absolute buffoon, that you’re certain that this is it, there is no way he can recover from such naked dumbness. But then he flashes a smile and says something endearing and you’re just a sucker for that boyish charm so you allow him to stay for just a little bit longer, so long as he doesn’t say or behave like a child again. Damn this weak will power of mine!  I bet Rubio could jump into the lead with a paparazzi dick pic. Just putting it out there.

Related: 5 Times TV Characters Went Punk

 

John Kasich: The Shaggs

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Kasich is widely considered by establishment Republicans and pessimistic Democrats to be the most reasonable GOP candidate, which is sorta like calling him the best worst candidate, which is how the Shaggs are often introduced to normies. The Shaggs couldn’t play their instruments and they couldn’t keep a beat, but dammit, somewhere in those cacophonies are some really amazing songs. And yeah, the commonalities between John Kasich and I stop at our first names, but he shows genuine fear and disgust at Trump and his campaign’s success, so at least I know he’s sane.

 

Jeb Bush: Hank Williams III

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While the original Hank may be under appreciated in hindsight, Hank Jr. is appropriately put in the same category as Ted Nugent, forcing us all to ask, “Do we really need a third?”.

 

Chris Christie: Mike Love

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Mike Love is quite possibly the most hated man in rock history. He’s the source of all the fun, girls, and cars in the Beach Boys’ early lyrics and the writer of “Kokomo.” If that doesn’t make you hate him, he famously “didn’t get” Pet Sounds and was the reason SMiLE never got released. He exploited Brian’s emotional fragility and desire to please and kicked him out of the band–right, the guy who wrote all the music–somehow retaining the rights to the name “The Beach Boys.” He’s a bully who is willing to hurt whoever stands in his way, though to his credit, he’s only ruined a band, whereas Chris Christie may have ruined an entire state.

 

Mike Huckabee

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Hell no, I’m not bringing up Ted Nugent twice and the Beatles once.

Mike Huckabee once said people with AIDS should be quarantined and anyone who transmits it should be put to death. Yeah, not such a fun list article now, is it?

 

NOW FOR THE DEMOCRATS…

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